July 30, 2003

Happy Birthday To Me: I mad...

Happy Birthday To MeKarel Gott, Dick Riordan, Mickey Kaus, Spike Jonze, and Steve Coulter. The latter gentleman, by the way, just pulled off the most rock & roll wedding I have ever been privileged enough to witness. Also, just to prove that there are sober pictures of me on the World Wide Innertube, here's one of me & Eric Neel, from a column in which he gives Anaheim Stadium a better grade than even his beloved Dodger Stadium.

Posted by at July 30, 2003 10:08 PM
Comments

Happy birthday, ya radical liberal hawk muck raking ink stained wretch.

Two men lose their wives in the supermarket. As they search and search for their wives, they accidently bump into each other.

"Sorry," says the one. "I was looking for my wife."

"That's funny, so am I."

The first guy says, "Hey, maybe we can help each other out. What's your wife look like?"

"My wife is has long, slender legs, firm tits and a tight ass. What's yours look like?"

"Never mind my wife, let's go look for yours."

There's your birthday joke.

Posted by: Howard Owens at July 30, 2003 10:42 PM

Happy Birthday, Matt!

Here's your birthday joke.

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says "What, is this some kind of a joke?"

Posted by: Michael J. Totten at July 30, 2003 10:55 PM

I once heard a fine joke told by one of the gentlemen in Matt's list. In fact, I heard it about 17 times, over the course of a week. Something about the Pope ...

Anyway, very happy birthday to Matt. Who in Australia would be called "Welchy".

Posted by: tim at July 31, 2003 07:13 AM

Happy Birthday Matt!!!
Here's a joke written by Coulter:
What should you do when you're hiking in the woods and come upon a hippie bear?

Play the dead.

GV

Posted by: Gregory Vaine at July 31, 2003 09:38 AM

Here's a new one: there is this annual convention of bloggers, a "blogapalooza" if you will, and to amuse themselves, they have a blog-off; each person will sit at their lap-tops and post on their favorite, trying to out-do everyone else. However, everyone there is so familiar with the posts that to save time, they just refer to them by number, rather than retyping the entire post.

Anyways, blogger after blogger types a number like "21", "55", "89", and gets thoughtful, yet polite, comments. Finally, Mickey Kaus, obviously just starting out, nervously adjusts his tie and types, "114". This time, however, "the Fray" section at Slate overflows with nasty, rude comments from his blog-homies. An observer, confused about the reaction, asks Matt Welch, "why did they react that way"?

To which the estimable editor of the now-defunct LA Examiner webblog replied, "Because no one gives a flying f*** about Howell Raines anymore."

Posted by: Steve Smith at July 31, 2003 10:23 AM

Oh, yeah, happy birthday too.

Posted by: Steve Smith at July 31, 2003 10:33 AM

Why doesn't Karel Gott drink tequilla?

It makes him mean.

Anyway, happy birthday Matt!

Posted by: Ben at July 31, 2003 11:37 AM

Happy birthday. I'm usually better at bad jokes than good, so let's see where this one falls:

Many years from now, when all of us have keeled over, I make it up to the pearly gates, greeted by St. Peter. "LYT!" he says. "Glad you finally made it; all your former journalistic colleagues are here too!"

"Great!" I say. "Can't wait to see 'em again."

So he takes me to Heaven's rock 'n roll club, and there, boozing at the bar, is Ken Layne, with the fattest, ugliest woman you've ever seen.

"Wow," I say. "What happened there?"
"Well, you know, Ken was a pretty good guy, but towards the end of his life, he went a little bit off-track, so he has to spend eternity with her."

"Harsh," I say. "Let's move on."

So we go up the stairs, and there, furiously taking notes on every attendee's personal vices, is Luke Ford. Hanging on his arm is a rather large, distinctly NON-Orthodox woman, who doesn't seem to be his type at all.

"Wait a sec," I tell St. Peter. "Luke would only end up with an Orthodox chick."
"Well," says Peter, "Luke was a pious Jew for much of his life, but towards the end there, he got a little bit off track, so that's who he gets to spend eternity with."

So then we go outside, and taking a smoke break is the one and only MATT WELCH...but he's fortunate enough to be in the arms of his lovely wife Emmanuelle.

"Dude!" I say. "He's got it going on!"

"Well," says Peter, "Emmanuelle was a good person most of her life, but towards the end there..."

Posted by: LYT at July 31, 2003 02:20 PM

This is the only joke I can ever remember to tell when pressed for a joke, so don't ask for another one next year.

Old West. Sheriff walks into the saloon, says "Hey, fellers, I'm on the lookout for a no-good low-down crook been lurking round these parts, want y'all to keep an eye out for him if you'd=5514">Christopher at August 1, 2003 01:35 PM

Dude,

You're really 37. The two years you spent typesetting count double.

JOKE: A few years back Dick Riordin was employed as a clerk in a hardware store.
Ann Coulter walked in and said to him, "I want to buy an elegant looking brass coat hook."
Dick replied, "Do you want a screw for it?"
"No," Ann answered, "but I'll blow you for that lawn mower over there."

Happy birthday Ben!

Posted by: Warren Celli at August 1, 2003 08:16 PM

Karel Gott, Dick Riordan, Mickey Kaus, Spike Jonze and Steve Coulter were in a lifeboat. It was the scorching afternoon of a cloudless 100 degree day. There was no food or water in the boat. It was Matt Welch's birthday and there was no cake as well. Karel looked at Dick, Mickey looked at Spike, then they all looked at Steve.

Then they killed him and ate him.

Since none of them knew who the fuck he was.

There was really no other reason for it. The lifeboat was on the deck of the Queen Mary in Long Beach. There was plenty to eat and drink a short distance away. Cake, too.

joke postscript:
Whenever the four friends would have a reunion you could count on Mickey Kaus to propose the toast "Eat the unknown!" It always got a laugh.

Dick Riordan later became the governor of California and stopped joining the others in their occasional get-togethers. He was instrumental in selling the Queen Mary to English investors who moved the ship to Portsmouth in 2005.

Spike Jonze never mentioned the events of that day to anyone. Even to his Jackass buddies who you'd think might have appreciated it. He was similarly silent about the Al Gore campaign film.

Karel Gott would always remember the day with a shiver. He realized what a close call it had been for him.

For years, Steve Coulter's widow would page through their rock nd roll wedding album every evening. Until one day she just stopped, put it away and never looked at it again.

Posted by: tom b at August 1, 2003 08:20 PM

Happy Birthday! Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answ: Wanna ride bikes?

Posted by: Shiloh at August 2, 2003 12:39 PM

Celine Dion walks into a bar and grabs a seat. The bartender comes over, throws down a coaster, and says, "So, why the long face?"

Posted by: Misanthropyst at August 3, 2003 04:22 PM

Hey — happy belated birthday to you. Hope you had a great time. Sorry I forgot to bring you along to the party with Doc Searls, Wil Wheaton and I, but I'll make sure to count you in next time. =,

Posted by: Greg Greene at August 6, 2003 08:14 AM
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100 degree day. There was no food or water in the boat. It was Matt Welch's birthday and there was no cake as well. Karel looked at Dick, Mickey looked at Spike, then they all looked at Steve.

Then they killed him and ate him.

Since none of them knew who the fuck he was.

There was really no other reason for it. The lifeboat was on the deck of the Queen Mary in Long Beach. There was plenty to eat and drink a short distance away. Cake, too.

joke postscript:
Whenever the four friends would have a reunion you could count on Mickey Kaus to propose the toast "Eat the unknown!" It always got a laugh.

Dick Riordan later became the governor of California and stopped joining the others in their occasional get-togethers. He was instrumental in selling the Queen Mary to English investors who moved the ship to Portsmouth in 2005.

Spike Jonze never mentioned the events of that day to anyone. Even to his Jackass buddies who you'd think might have appreciated it. He was similarly silent about the Al Gore campaign film.

Karel Gott would always remember the day with a shiver. He realized what a close call it had been for him.

For years, Steve Coulter's widow would page through their rock nd roll wedding album every evening. Until one day she just stopped, put it away and never looked at it again.

Posted by: tom b at August 1, 2003 08:20 PM

Happy Birthday! Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answ: Wanna ride bikes?

Posted by: Shiloh at August 2, 2003 12:39 PM

Celine Dion walks into a bar and grabs a seat. The bartender comes over, throws down a coaster, and says, "So, why the long face?"

Posted by: Misanthropyst at August 3, 2003 04:22 PM

Hey — happy belated birthday to you. Hope you had a great time. Sorry I forgot to bring you along to the party with Doc Searls, Wil Wheaton and I, but I'll make sure to count you in next time. =,

Posted by: Greg Greene at August 6, 2003 08:14 AM
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